Is it Bad...?

Lately i have been noticing that time seems to be flying past me at a speed faster than i can realise it to live it to its full-the way its meant to, the way i should be. From graduating college, to completing training, earning my first salary pay and getting into my 2nd month of Work to being 21 and faar from where i hope to be-which is a Lot. In the process, without even realising it i seem to be going through so much Change in the ways that i am thinking and acting, even Believing. I have always tried to make myself Happy despite the situations that life throws at me, be it the learning i keep seeing in the mistakes i keep making or the sorrows that crush me and make me stronger in the process. Sometimes i freeze myself to stare into the blank and wonder Why-whatever happens the way it does at the time it does? and whether there is an end to any of it and how it would come if so-if its even Meant to. what Really IS the point for Anything to happen as it does?...But be it the complex situations i put myself into or the moments i have every other time that i say to myself how lucky i am for things being it this way...- i always wonder though how it would be if something else happened instead otherwise. is it bad to not Know so much of what i probably should by now? is it wrong to regret actions of the past that impact my future? is it stupid to be the child i probably still am at 21?!.........and will i ever forgive myself for mistakes made and things lost?....lost confessions. mistaken conclusions..it isn't a big secret to the people who know me that i Dream big and want it All- the Very VERY best of it All. and i can't help it if i would rather not have something at all than have the very best of it. Thats just Me. and i doubt thats selfish either.maybe it is.. but i keep seeing the most succesful happy people around me seem to be the ones that have been that much selfish to put themselves first beyond others. And its not that they have any evil intentions to anyone either. its just that they prioratize on what they believe they should.right?and as long as it doesnt bring anyone else down or hurt anything else-whats the harm in that, really?and i genuinely wouldnt wish bad upon anyone-not even anyone who hates me. i Cant Hate. dont mistake me - i have lived my life to the full- despite the regrets- nothing that put me so down that i didnt see reason to heal from.and try. and keep trying at that. i am pretty peristant.my biggest fear is that i wil fail.. and failing to me isnt not having all that but ending up with nothing and mainly so not being someone me or anyone i know or value can respect.. i mean thats at the very least. i have always maintained that my strength lies in my people-hell, thats part reason why i even blog in the first place-apart from for me. and well in that sense i am probably Not the smartest person around for leaving them lost, confused, miserable-or just plain angry.and lol me being me makes an impact enough to Last.long. Truly speaking though i really can't help that i am me. and i doubt i will ever understand myself enough to explain me to the world-why i do the mad things i do? why i am so lost, so much. Maybe when i grow up in another 20 years-hopefully that should happen, i will know and respect myself enough to consider. I will be Someone worth it all that can be seen as sane. Then probably if things work how they should i would fulfill all my promises to me and you all. Rather more importantly - Be Somebody.good. And Is it bad meanwhile to not do anything? or what do i make off when my most sincere efforts seem inadequate or are entirely misjudged and misunderstood?! i mean what i say and i say what i mean. No hidden intentions or misconceived interpretations. Love. Life. Friendship. My future. Anything....is it un-imaginable to see miracles happen?. Beyond all this i am sure lies a meaning and reason that i am probably too young.. probably too inexperienced probably too Me to see the clear picture as yet-even a vague one.but i do have hope.. and well thats the one thing thats kept everything going so far hasn't it?despites infinite flaws everywhere. always does right?so heres to hope and learning and making mistakes and surviving heres to growing up and falling getting up and standing tall and walking again heres to Life.. and hope and dreams... the world...... Meaning & Reason. and wanting to Know and to keep discovering it all.//-c.~